Life in the Slug Lane


Excitement 101
August 10, 2010, 5:14 pm
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OK – I fully realize you can’t be a famous blogger without actually posting on occasion but I’ve almost given up on my dream of being the urban Pioneer Woman. However, just for good measure I will continue stalking her. I mean we are almost sisters, her and I – she just doesn’t know it! Anyway, I’ll move on.

Anyway, besides from being a famous blogger…and The Pioneer Woman acknowledging that we SHOULD indeed be friends, the one thing I want more than anything in the world…ok…I want to win the lottery too so maybe after that….is for my bestest friend Lisa to move back to Houston. And, because she misses me as much as I miss her….SHE’s COMING BACK! OK, it’s really because her husband’s being transferred here but please don’t interupt my dream world if I choose to believe its my sparkling personality that she can’t stay away from.

Plain and simple, Lisa makes me laugh. And in today’s world, laughter is a quantity that there just ain’t enough of. Our kids think we are crazy, our husbands think we are crazier, people in the mall look for the nearest security and well us? We crack ourselves up!  Does it get any better?  Don’t answer that – of course it does with good wine…or sometimes not even good wine.

So, the real explanation for why I’ve been absent from the slug lane is I haven’t been funny as of late. Funny is hard when you are trying. But stay tuned – I’ve got a new source of inspiration coming to town. Its like that song from the Pointer Sisters….I’m so excited I just can’t hide it….darn i wish i had video on this blog, I’d sing it for you – disco dance and all….

You may all be thankful now for the fact that there is no video or audio portion to this blog!



Twins? You Be the Judge
April 14, 2010, 6:37 pm
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I was lucky enough recently to get to play hostess to my bestest friend in the whole world, Risa Rowe (the names have been changed to protect the innocent ;-)  She and her family were visiting from Virginia and stayed at my casa for a few days.   Risa (because she’s approximately two months older than me) and coincidentally had children before me – has a daughter that’s already out of college.  Anyway, this girl, lets call her Kaybee, is living in Dallas and while her parents were in town, came down for a visit too. 

Kaybee is making incredible use of her college degree and working at Golds Gym.  I know, it’s amazing but please hold your applause until the end.   While as an exciting of a career path as this is, she’s actually planning on going to law school in the fall.  Actually, we’re very proud of her, Risa and I (I’m her unofficial Godmother – don’t I get some bragging rights?) 

Kaybee and I have a lot in common, me being her unofficial Godmother and all….

1) Wine – well we all know I love to taste (aka guzzle) and Kaybee took a wine tasting college, spending $1200 of her parents money to learn about wine – to think I could have taught her that for free.  Hey, its only fair, Risa taught my oldest how to mail order shop at 2 weeks old.

2) Blondes have more fun – Kaybee and I are both natural blondes.  At least we were at one time.  Unfortunately for both of us, not so much anymore.  But, we both have jobs and from jobs you get money and from there my friend, it’s straight to the hairdresser.   So what if we have to drink cheap wine for a couple of weeks after – a gurl’s gotta make her sacrifices.

3) Fitness – Kaybee is seriously committed to low body fat and  I am seriously committed to body fat.  Look below, I’m sure you’ll see the family resemblance.  I wonder if they’d like to make a sequel to the movie twins?   I think if Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are unavailable, their next choice would be me and Kaybee.  You be the Judge!

 

 



I’m Mad Too Eddie

Growing up in the 70′s in Northeastern Oklahoma, if you wanted to listen to music while driving your options were pretty much the radio or…the radio.  Any time in the car with dad meant the dial was set to KVOO.  KVOO was country in those days – what they call classic country now but it was new country then….oops….I feel old.  Billy Parker was the main man on KVOO – that is until they called him away to play Ernest Tubbs in his life story.  Just kidding, I think Billy died at the controls of KVOO but I imagined him as a western suit wearing, banjo picking fellar – one that just talked better than he sang.  

Anyway, there was a conservative commentator named Eddie Chilles that broadcast on KVOO.  Anyone from our part of the country probably remembers him for his famous line…I’m Eddie Chilles and I’m mad.   Today, Eddie would be a member of the Tea Party and probably relagated to only Fox where they actually ATTEMPT Fair and Balanced Journalism but in the 1970′s he was heard far and wide – with no reprocussions.  Far from it – he was acutually…oh perish the thought…. he was…POPULAR!  Seemingly overnight, bumperstickers sprang up on cars everywhere saying, “I’m mad too Eddie!”

Well it’s 2010 and I’m madder than ever.  What’s going on in Washington has got to stop.  When you take all the incentive away from the producer, they stop producing.  If you like socialism, I hear Venezula is lovely this time of year. 

Here’s something Eddie said in 1980

Eddie Chiles: Yes I’m mad. I’m sad for the Americans who are trying to raise a family and trying to buy a home when the liberals in Washington are spending more and more to destroy the American dream. You get mad, too.

I’d say we are slow learners.  Ya think?



It’s How We Roll…err….Mash
March 3, 2010, 3:02 pm
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First – before I go anywhere, do you think its too late in the year to be wishing people Happy New Year?  After all, I am a slug and aren’t slugs slow by nature?  Speaking of slugs, salt melts them too and so I must not be all slug or I’d be a pool of water and me and the mirror in my bathroom know that ain’t true!  So we’ll go with half slug which I think implys that March is indeed not to late for Holiday wishes and chatter!  OK – the truth is I wrote this several weeks ago and I can’t post the video from work, so here’s the low tech version! 

Happy New Year to all you fellow slugs out there.  I hope you have big plans for ringing in the New Year.  My big plans include a big couch, a big snuggie and a big glass of wine…ok…bottle but who’s counting? 

A quiet New Years Eve follows a very busy Christmas holiday in slugland.  Hubby, gurls and I (and might I say to channel the Beatles – I get by with a lot of help from my friends)  hosted our thus to this date – Annual Christmas Party.  I say thus to date because, like every year when I am faced with the prospects of “undecorating” my house AND paying my VISA bill – I delclare “I am never going to do this again”!  Somehow, however, similar to the pain of childbirth, you forget the next time it rolls around.  Truthfully - all Home Depot has to do is put out their new holiday items and I am hooked.  Unless I find a twelve step program for Christmas addiction between now and next November, its safe to say the party is on ;-) 

Speaking of the party – I must apologize right up front if there are some of you out there who were expecting an invitation and did not receive.  It was not that we’ve suddenly forgotten who you are but my laptop was stolen and I had to recreate my address list and it obviously had some holes in it.  So the truth is, I guess I did forget who some of you were but please don’t take it personal – old age is hard on us all.

So, finally on to the point of this!  While there are those who would say, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”  Hubby and I decided to change up the party a bit this year and fix bbq.  I’m telling you this party was “smokin hot” ….literally.  Along with the bbq we fixed a mashed potato bar.  Fancy martini glasses filled with potatoes and the toppings of your dreams….gravy, butter, bacon, butter, chives, butter, sour cream…did I mention butter?  Not being a martini drinker myself – I find this an EXCELLENT use of a martini glass. 

In the party planning process, deciding to have a mashed potato bar for 100 people and executing it are two different things.  How do you go about preparing that many mashed potatoes.  Here’s the deal with prep video (not) at no charge!

1)  Load 50 pounds of potatoes into your basket, add entire dairy supply (Half & Half, butter and largest container of Sour Cream Sam’s sells).  Endure strange looks from clerk that assumes you are working for Kentucky Fried Chicken and on your way to prepare today’s lunch.  Nevermind the fact that a real potato has probably never darkened the door of that establishment! 

2)  Invite your dear friend Bob, who by the way travels with his own peeler, over to peel 50 pounds of pototoes….yes 50.  Promise lunch while peeling and oh yes, good wine while peeling too.  It may not seem fair but he fell for that proposition.

3) Turkey fryers are not just for turkeys any more.  Get out jet engine propane fired burner and cook more potatoes then you (or KFC) have ever seen in your life

4)  Drain and dump Kroger dairy section into pan

5)  Get out your drill…yes…I said drill.  Check out the video – production credits to Hubby and Sissy for the idea and execution, to sissy for having a “mud mixer”- yes it was clean ;-) and to our neighbor having a drill with a 1/2 inch chuck – whatever that is.

50 pounds of mashed potatoes in 5 minutes or less…it’s how we roll!



Pawhuska Proud!

Call me old fashioned – it’s preferable to being called plain old – but I really didn’t know anything about blogging until a few months ago. I knew blogs existed but heretofore, I’d always thought of them as people’s personal little nook of cyberspace – where they invited a few hundred of their closest friends in to see pictures of the world’s cutest children – theirs of course.

Then I stumbled across www.thepioneerwoman.com – a blog that in the world of blogging has to be considered a home run. I started following her because she lives on a ranch a few miles from my hometown – a town called Pawhuska that few people in the world know where it is and even fewer can properly pronounce :-) My initial interest in her site was her cooking and her recipes. But I truly got sucked into her blog and her life with Marlboro Man (what she calls her hubby) which is what I call mine, hubby not Marlboro Man …oh well that too….oh well I digress…AGAIN. Weirdly enough and I realize I may sound kind of like a stalker, but I felt I knew her. I mean, I grew up shopping at the local feed store she writes about and Marlboro Man – I know his parents – ok – its true – I am old.

As I begin to understand the blogging world, I figure out along the way that Pioneer Woman’s- aka Ree Drummond – got a following that People Magazine might be jealous of.  And, being a frustrated writer, ensconced (a nice way of saying trapped) in the business world – I started thinking – hey maybe I can do this.  And so here I am – me and my 5 readers who anxiously await my next post. 

While I’ve been stalking…err following her and still “thinking of writing the great American novel – she’s been actually writing a cookbook.  It’s a collection of her favorite things to cook and a printed version of insight to life on the ranch – similar to what she shares in her blog.  I must tell you, she’s one busy woman.  Might I add that somewhere in the process she managed to have and home school 4 children – I’m sure with the help of Marlboro Man – at least the having part ;-)  Finally, just a couple of weeks ago, her cookbook was published – here’s the link to buy it on Amazon  http://www.amazon.com/Pioneer-Woman-Cooks-Recipes-Accidental/dp/0061658197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257871012&sr=8-1

She’s on a nationwide book tour that she refers to as The Griswold Family Book Tour – I am hoping when she visits Houston on December the 5th, she’ll stop by my house to see my version of The Griswold Family Christmas.  She may have more blog readers but I bet she doesn’t have a 440 volt electrical panel build “just” for the outside lights.  It just might be new blogging material for her – I might just be the most insane holiday person she’s ever met! 

Any way, just the other day, after only a few days of publication – Pioneer Woman Cookbook – Recipes from an Accidental Country Girl hit #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List.  Hubby, who I proudly shared this news with – after all, Pioneer Woman and I are practically sisters – said “she’s got the number one cookbook?”  No silly boy – she’s got the #1 BOOK!  You Go Girl!

P.S.  I’m serious Ree – come see me in Houston – if nothing else, it’ll put you in the Christmas spirit!  I’ll  serve you really good wine (a lot of it if you want)  and we can sit back and talk about how one girl from Pawhuska and one girl who calls it home – found each other in cyberspace.  Cheers!

P.S.S.  I promise I really won’t become a stalker.  At least not more than I already am ;-)  I mean I do know where you live!!



A Return to Slugville
October 19, 2009, 8:22 pm
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Calling all Slug Fans….Sorry to have been gone so long…can’t give you a much better excuse than I have had writers block. That and my “paying job” has sucked me dry during the day – leaving me a true slug in the evening and too lazy to write ;-)

But, after a weekend of Chamber of Commerce weather in the great city of Houston, I’ve been recharged and am now ready to share with you, more snipets from Life In The Slug Lane.

The good news I bring you today is that just shy of Halloween, I think fall might actually have arrived in Houston. It was so beautiful this weekend that already its hard to remember the 6 years…I mean months of summer we’ve just endured.  This morning as I was leaving for work, I noticed that the ice my neighbor dumped yesterday upon returning from a hunting trip, had not melted way.   Just last week that same amount of ice would not have been enough to keep my wine bottle chilled for 30 minutes – which for me of course is an excuse to “slugchug”, after all who likes warm wine?  Anyway, per usual, I digress.  Three days of no sweat in unmentionable places, its enough to make you believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.

Speaking of Santa Claus, regardless of when the cool weather comes or how long it stays, fall came for me on Sunday afternoon.  The day I bought my first Christmas decoration (oops, do I have to count EBAY?) for the 2009 holiday season.  Yes, I know I said I wasn’t going to decorate this year.  I was completely prepared to don my Scrooge costume for Halloween and wear it all the way to January.  And then I took a trip to the land of Christmas trees, twinkling lights and  peppermint canes.  No, I didn’t fly up to the north pole for the day,  just drove down to my local Home Depot.  And that’s all it took…oh me of the willpower and multiple personalities – Mrs. Grisworld returned.  And, now no one seems to know when the real Kim will be coming back….Stay tuned!



The Full Moon Was Right All Along!
August 20, 2009, 4:32 pm
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Is it just me or do my readers agree that there are some women in this world that must not have one single mirror in their home.  Otherwise, they would surely not have left the house wearing that. 

I was reminded of that premise a few weeks ago when gurl2 and I headed out with our breighbors (that’s slug speak for best neighbors) for our annual outing to Schitterbahn.  If you’re not familiar with Schlitterbahn check out their site www.schlitterbahn.com  In short, I think its the quintessential (big word I know – I had to look it up :-) family vacation spot…especially if you a fun mom like me who likes to revisit her childhood frequently. Ok – I’ll admit – there are those who would argue (hubby being one of them) I never left my childhood.  Thank goodness though, I got old enough to drink wine!  And not to digress, but it’s even legal to drink at Schlitterbahn which again makes me say – its the quintessential family vacation – at least since my gurls were old enough to swim.

So, back to mirrors or the lack thereof…what are women thinking when they wear a two piece bathing suit when a retro one piece would not cover enough!  Please don’t get me wrong – as hubby would say – I’m not exactly a “petite flower” myself….but bikinis left my wardrobe about the same time Reagan Economics left the US economy.  So, with my trusty camera in hand, I thought about doing my own version of Glamour do’s and don’ts but I got frightened off by the plus size boyfriend with the evil eye – apparently he wasn’t fond of me photographing his “plus-size lady”.  I felt a little like paparazzi trying to snap a shot of Kirsti Alley.  Given that I decided against bodily harm, you’ll just have to use your imagination…or don’t!

Which brings me to the Full Moon and my Rules to Live By!  Years ago, during my Tulsa days – there was a restaurant/bar I frequented called the Full Moon.   The bartenders at the Full Moon were an irreverent type and they hung a sign over the bar that stated “Wearing spandex is a privilege, not a right”  It was a phrase I tucked away, knowing some day I’d need it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen – it’s time to remind you that The Full Moon was right!  Wearing spandex (and bikinis) is a privilege, not a right.  If that’s not in the constitution, it should be!

And speaking of the Consitution, since our trusty government is solving all the needs of the downtrodden as of late – maybe we could have a new program….  It could be a little like Hilary’s “no child left behind”  we’ll call it “no behind left uncovered”

P.S.  Another Full Moon”ism”….”You Can’t Be First But You Can Be Next”…but that’s a story for another day ;-)




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